So last week I professed my love for Dan Savage’s fabulous sex advice podcast. I do think when it comes to dispensing sex advice to adults, Dan is absolutely brilliant, but as for parenting advice, maybe not so much.
In a recent episode of This American Life, Dan expounded on the virtues of “going Alec Baldwin” upon the asses of one’s kids.
I myself had not actually bothered to listen to the recording of Alec Baldwin’s tirade to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland that was smeared all over the internet last April until I heard them on this installment of TAL. Dan defends Baldwin’s behavior (which included calling his daughter a “rude little pig”), on the grounds that kids need to understand that adults can be “much, much worse” than kids. His argument – that shouting at kids is the only disciplinary tool we have left, since we can’t hit them, and that kids need to understand when they’ve pushed it past the limits – sort of makes sense. His statement that “kids are sociopaths, until you (metaphorically) beat it out of them”, probably rings true for many parents. Clearly, his motivations are admirable; he wants his kids to avoid getting “beaten up by a cop one day”.
My problem, apparently, is that I suck at this.
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I have tried, a few times, to use this technique with my kids, and it always fails. Either they just laugh at me – I guess I look and sound pretty funny when I yell – or, if I do manage to convince them that I really have lost it, they just retreat into their room. Screaming at kids for me is a kind of “atomic bomb” approach, which ends up destroying both of us. I always feel terrible for days afterward, and end up apologizing to them, pretty much negating whatever “lesson” was supposedly being learned in the process.
Maybe I need to take acting lessons from Alec Baldwin. Or maybe Dan is simply wrong on this point. Sure, using a very stern, serious, perhaps even slightly threatening tone with kids is called for at times, but I’m not fully on board with this particular piece of advice from Mr. Savage, courtesy of NPR (who probably ought to be a bit more careful when broadcasting parenting tips). Losing one’s temper with one’s kids, in my experience, rarely teaches them anything except that their parents – the people in the world they trust to love and protect them no matter what – might just not be capable of doing that.
Anybody else with me on this?
I’m with you too, Michael. I’ve also recently started listening to the Savage Love podcast, after reading the column for years, and I was a little surprised by his reasoning on this. I, too, get angry at my kids, and sometimes yell at them, but I hardly see this as being virtuous in any way. His argument that kids need to learn that “no matter now bad kids can be, adults can be worse”, well… Sure, maybe that is important for kids to learn, but I’d rather not have them see *me* as the example for “worse”. In fact I’d rather strive to exemplify the opposite extreme, that no matter how great (in the sense of kindness, generosity, etc) kids can be, adults can be even greater! I’m the first to admit, however, that I’ve got a long way to go.
Right on, Jack. Thanks for the post!
Maybe Dan should stick to the sex advice, eh?
Hey Mike! I too get the laughter…a bit disconcerting but I still try. My youngest seems to disregard my tirades the easiest…she does, however hate dinosaurs–which she seems to think still exist. Whenever she hears a loud noise outside she comes inside crying that she heard a “boom dinosaur” and I may have played on this fear…once or twice, 😉 I think I may go a little Alec Baldwin at times but that’s better than going all Martha Stewart, right?
~ Joe